I can't Stay Gold
by Now.Get.This
Summary: COMPLETE. Ponyboy's death.
1. I can't Stay Gold,

I set myself up.  
I sat down with my legs crossed on the hard ground.  
I pulled the letter out of my pocket and re-read it.  
It rustled in the light wind and I hoped someone would come find me.  
I looked at my watch. In the light of the moon it read 3:12.  
Perfect. I had time to read my letter one more time.

Guys,

Soon enough it would happen anyway  
Time will pass and you will join me  
I'm with my best friend and I'm happy  
I couldn't live like this, without him here  
Because what you said was true  
That if he went down, I'd go too

Ponyboy Curtis, 20 July 1967

Checking my watch again the time read 3:14.  
I breathed out slowly, relaxing.  
I put the letter in the pocket of my jacket.  
I was wearing Soda's old navy sweat-shirt with the sleeves cut off.  
He gave it to me when I got back from Windrixville.  
I had the jeans I was wearing when Johnny died.  
And the shoes mum and dad got me before they left too.  
I stood up and went to stand in the middle of the tracks.  
I saw a light up ahead of me. I'm coming, I thought.  
As it got closer I thought of Soda, Darry, Two-Bit and Steve.  
And as it got closer I shut my eyes tight.  
The whistle grew louder and the screeching of the wheels hurt my ears.  
As my body slammed into the train I was alive for one more second.  
And for that one last second of my life I thought, stay gold because I couldn't.


	2. Sodapop and Steve,

**I can't Stay Gold.**

**Steve's P.O.V**

Soda and I were walking home from a party. It was around 3am - 3:30, and so cold. We walked with our arms crossed and our teeth chattering. The party had been down by the lake. It was a good night. We had to leave though, because the police had shown up. Somebody called them saying we were making too much noise. Which we were, but they should be used to it by now. There are parties down by the lake every weekend. We were walking along the train tracks so we didn't get lost. I mean you couldn't get lost, we were in greaser territory, but sometimes Soda comes out with these 'bright' ideas of taking a shortcut. These shortcuts usually end with us finding our way into Soc territory or not getting home until 5am.

The whistle from an on-coming train grew louder and louder, hurting my ears. The light shined in my eyes and then it went black. The light had stopped shining, something was on it.

"Loud enough or what!" Soda yelled at the train but it didn't hear us as it went on past. I watched as it went by and I'm sure Soda noticed it too. He turned to me, eyes wide. "Did you see that?" he whispered. I could barely hear him, but I knew what we was saying. I nodded and looked back up at the train. It was nearly out of sight but the light was shining brightly again.

"Let's go see." I said. Soda nodded and we ran up to the tracks. We couldn't see very well in the dark of the night. But we found it right away. A body.

"Oh shit." I heard Soda whisper as we got closer to it. This person was a greaser alright, hair shining in the moonlight. We slowly walked closer, in case whoever it was was still alive. We stood about two meters away from them. "You go." Soda whispered. I looked at him.

"Are you crazy?" I hissed.

"No, you're the crazy one. That's why you go first." he said. He didn't smile or make any movement to say that he was kidding about me going first. So I went first. I walked as quietly as I could over to them. I stood over them. I couldn't see their face but they had blonde hair. I looked back at Soda, before kneeling down next to them. I grabbed their shoulders and rolled them over. My heart kept skipping beats at what I saw next. I felt sick but I couldn't look away. Ponyboys face was cut and bleeding, and I was sure he couldn't live through that.

"Who is it?" Soda asked. He took a few steps forward.

"No stay there!" I yelled. Soda looked confused but stayed where he was. I looked back at Ponyboy and hoped he was still alive. I shook his shoulders. Wake up, I begged silently. But nothing happened. I was getting scared. Soda is going to die when he sees this. Although I hope he doesn't actually die. I heard footsteps coming over. "No Soda, stay there!" I yelled again. But it was too late; he was already standing behind me.

"Who is it?" he asked again, kneeling next to me and hovering right over Ponyboys face. Soda was grinning while he tried to see who it was. Then his grin disappeared and he stared. I pulled him back so he was now sitting on the ground. "Ponyboy.." he whispered. I nodded and put my arm around him. He didn't cry or anything. Just stared at Pony's body.

"Soda let's go." I said. He shook his head.

"We can't just leave him here." he said, quietly. He leaned forward and grabbed Ponyboy's hand. I sighed. Why wasn't he crying, I thought. Sodapop tried shaking him. He put his hands on Pony's side and shoved him a little. And again nothing happened. Except for a rustling noise. He looked at me and I shrugged. I patted Pony's stomach, trying to find where the noise was coming from. It was in his pocket. I put my hand in and pulled out a piece of paper. I handed it to Soda who sat back and tried to read it with the dim light of the moon. After a few moments of silence he handed it to me. I saw a few tears on his cheeks as I took the note from him. It read..

Guys,

Soon enough it would happen anyway  
Time will pass and you will join me  
I'm with my best friend and I'm happy  
I couldn't live like this, without him here  
Because what you said was true  
That if he went down, I'd go too

Ponyboy Curtis, 20 July 1967

Gosh I thought. Why would he do that? It hasn't even been a year since Johnny and Dally died. He still needed time to get over this.

"He never said anything about this." Soda said.

"Well of course he didn't. He didn't want you to know." I said.

"No I mean, we thought he wasn't lie this anymore. Me and Darry thought he was getting along fine. But he was lying to us." I nodded.

"Well, what're we gonna do?" I asked. Soda sat thinking for a minute. We couldn't possibly carry Pony back to his place could we? People would think we killed him.

"We're gonna leave him here." Soda said. I looked up at him, surprised.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't want to show Darry this. Look I know it sound wrong to leave him here. But I don't want to remember what he looks like when he's.. you know like this." he said, motioning to Ponyboy's dead body. "We'll just call the police saying we heard something." Soda said. His voice showed no emotion. It was as if Ponyboys death was nothing to him. I stood up with him and we walked until we found a phone at the train station that wasn't far. I looked back and couldn't see Ponyboy anymore, as Soda called the police. He told them he had heard some crashing noises at the tracks. He told them where-about the noises had come from and then hung up.

"Let's go." he said, as we headed for the streets. I had held in my tears all of this time. But as we headed back to his house I let them go. And I silently prayed that the police would find Ponyboy before anyone else did. We walked in silence the whole way. A police car drove past us and I turned around to watch it drive away.

"I'm real sorry, Soda." I said, as we got closer to the 'Curtis house'. He nodded.

"'S ok." he said. I put my arm around him as we walked up the stairs to the porch. Inside Two-Bit was talking to Darry who looked about ready to fall asleep. We stepped inside and everywhere was memories of Ponyboy. His book he was reading, his homework, the plate of spaghetti that he didn't finish before he left tonight. I couldn't take it. I ran out of the house and down towards the tracks. I couldn't even see properly because of all the tears but somehow I found my way to him. There were two police cars there along with an ambulance. But it was too late, the ambulance couldn't do anything. I went over to Ponyboy; they were putting him into the ambulance.

"Sorry, you're not allowed to be here." one of the officers told me.

"That's my brother!" I yelled and lunged forward to get to Ponyboy. I wasn't allowed to go in the ambulance though. Because Pony was already gone. The officer patted me on the back as I watched them take Ponyboy away.

"You need a ride home?" he asked. I shook my head.

"I'll be ok. Do you know the time?" I asked.

"Almost four-thirty." he said, looking at his watch. I nodded at him. "Thanks." and I walked away. I didn't know where I was going. I was just going to walk until I came across somewhere I could stay the night. I was nearly at Soda's house when a car pulled up next to me. The guy inside leaned out the window.

"Need a ride?" he asked. I thought for a second and knew where I wanted to go.

"Sure." I said, getting into the car. I told him where I wanted to go and started driving. The car was pretty gross. There was old newspapers and rubbish on the floor. I was about to lean back on the seat when I realized there was blood stains on it. The guy saw me jump when I noticed these and laughed.

"Sorry 'bout that. I remember the guy who put those there. About a year ago, I picked up some kid. Said he'd been in a rumble and he was bleeding everywhere. Tried to clean it off but it didn't work. That was a nice kid." he said, and I wasn't sure if he was telling the story to himself or me. But I nodded along anyway. Soon we got to my destination. "See ya later." he smiled at me.

"Thanks alot." I said, getting out. He drove off. I walked over to the gate and jumped over it. They always locked the gates at night. I walked along the pat, until I found it. The places where Johnny and Dally are buried. I sat between them and cried. Soon I noticed the sky was getting lighter. The sun rise, I thought. I sat up properly while I watched it. And I felt right again. Once the sun was up I decided to go see Soda and see what happened.

"See ya Johnny, Dally." I said, getting up and I walked away.

**This was going to be Sodapop's P.O.V but I wasn't sure how to write it. So it's Steve's P.O.V. I hope you liked it. **


	3. Heaven,

**CHAPTER 3**

**PONYBOYS P.O.V**

I woke up in my own bed. In my own room, in my house. At first I couldn't remember how I got here. But then I remembered what happened last night. Oh no, I wasn't even supposed to be here. No I'm at home, I want to leave. I sat up and looked around. Maybe I was just imagining this. There was no noise coming from anywhere in the house and I wondered why Darry and Soda would leave me home alone. I got out of bed and went to my wardrobe to get some clean clothes. But I was already dressed. So I went to the bathroom to fix up my hair. But looking into the mirror I realized it was already done. That's weird. I must be imagining. I walked out to the kitchen. There was no note from Darry or Soda. I looked out the window. Everything was all the same. I tried to ignore everything and decided to eat. The fridge was full of food. Everything I liked was in it. I made eggs and ate them watching the TV. When I finished I left my plate on the coffee table and went outside. I looked around. Nothing else seemed weird. Just my house. I'll go see if Soda is at the DX, I thought. So I jumped off the porch steps and made my way down the streets. Until I got to Johnny's house. I stood outside staring at the house, hearing his mother yelling.

"You get out! Now!" There was a loud bang as the door opened. And out walked Johnny. I stared at him, my eyes wide. No, it wasn't him. I was dreaming. He came right up to me. He looked surprised to see me.

"Pony.." he said.

"J-Johnny?" He nodded.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm going to the DX."I said. I rubbed my eyes. This couldn't really be Johnny I was seeing. It had to be somebody else. We still walked to the DX together. "Soda's not there. Or Steve."

"Yeah, I know." Johnny said.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked. He stared off into the distance.

"Because um let's go to the lot. I will tell you there." he said, turning back around. I followed him there. He was acting very strange. But then again, it wasn't really him. We got to the lot and there was no one else there. We sat down leaning against the fence that separated a house from the lot.

"So you gonna tell me?" I asked. He nodded.

"Promise you won't freak out." he said.

"Why, what'd you do?" He looked at me. "Ok I promise." We were silent for a few seconds before he spoke.

"Soda isn't here. Either is Steve or Two-Bit or Darry." Johnny said.

"Where are they?" I asked. They've been killed, I thought.

"Do you believe in heaven?" he asked.

"Johnny don't change the subject. Answer me." I said.

"Answer my question first and I'll tell you." he said.

"Ok, yeah I think heaven is real." I said.

"Do you think you'll go to heaven?" he asked.

"But-"

"Just answer."

"Yeah I do." Where was this going? Johnny was having a hard time telling me whatever it is he wanted to say.

"Pony..this is heaven." he said. He stared at the ground.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm serious! Soda's not here 'cause he's not dead. Same with Darry and Two-Bit and Steve. Dally's here though." he said quietly.

"But your mom.."

"She came this morning." he said. I relaxed for a moment. This was it. I'm in heaven.

"Where's Dally?" I asked.

"He's at Bucks." Johnny said.

"Johnny you're being stupid. This isn't heaven. It's the real world." I said, I was getting scared.

"No Pony really. Heaven, it's the same as the real world. But only dead people come here.." A few tears slid down my cheeks. He put his arm around me. I wanted to see Soda again. And Darry and everybody else. "I have a surprise for you." Johnny said, standing up. He helped me to my feet.

"No I don't want a surprise." I said. He grabbed my arm and we started to walk. I didn't argue. We ended up at Two-Bit's house. "What the fuck?" I whispered. Johnny grinned. I followed him to the front door. He knocked. We waited until we heard footsteps coming. Johnny was getting more and more excited. I looked up when the door opened.

"Ponyboy.." I stared up, amazed.

"Mom!" I yelled and hugged her, tightly. Even more tears slipped down my face. I didn't want to let go incase she disappeared again. I did let go of her though.

"Ponyboy what are you doing here?" she asked. I sighed.

"Doesn't matter." I said. "Is dad here?" I asked. She nodded slowly. I ran past her into the house, where my dad was sitting on the couch. "Dad." I said. He looked up. I ran over to him and hugged him. I tried not to cry but I never thought I'd see them again.

"Pony why are you here?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Don't worry." I said. Mom and Johnny came in and sat down too.

"Please tell us." Mom said. I sighed.

"Fine. I uh..accidentally jumped in front..of a train." I said, talking quieter and quieter.

"It's my fault." Johnny said. I shook my head.

"No it's not." I said. I knew Johnny didn't believe me but he didn't say anymore. Even I still thought it was his fault I did this to myself. I stayed with my parents for a while later. They explained to me what it was like here. It's just like the real world, like Johnny said. But only the dead are here. Some people are allowed to go visit their friends and family. You can do what you want. But there are no Socs or greasers. We're all friends here. You can travel anywhere you want. And you can watch over your family as well if you want. Johnny told me he used to watch me and everyone else sometimes.

I saw Dally later that night. My parents lived in Two-Bit's house; our house brought too many memories. I was walking back with Johnny and Dally was headed for Two-Bit's house too.

"Hey Pony. Why're you here?" he asked. I shrugged.

"I couldn't take it no more." I said quietly. He knew what I meant and nothing more was said about why I was here. I told everyone about what was happening before I left. They were jealous I still go to see Soda and everyone else. I miss them too, but I don't think I was meant to stay on the Earth much longer. Even if I didn't kill myself. I liked it here. It was like summer vacation all year round.

**This chapter is not meant to offend anyone.**


	4. 15 Years Later,

**I can't Stay Gold.**

**Sodapop's P.O.V**

As I stared down at the grave that holds you I couldn't help but think of the question that just wouldn't leave me alone: Why did you do it? I still have that letter you wrote us. You should've told us you were feeling that way. I could've helped you. I would have helped you. I blame myself for this. It's my fault I didn't make you talk to my sooner. If I had of tried once more to get you to talk to me you'd be here today. But I guess I was just kind of lucky I got to see you one last time before I ran home and didn't leave my room for days. I could barely tell Darry what had happened. But at least Steve was with you when they took you away. And at least your with mom, dad, Johnny and Dally. I wonder what it's like in heaven. I wonder if it's how you used to tell me it was. I wonder if you're even with Johnny right now.

Things have changed a lot since you left. You were in the newspaper the day after you died. I couldn't read the articles about you but I did keep them. Darry couldn't stand the fact that you were gone. He took it maybe even worse than what I did. He took so many days off work that he lost one of his jobs. But it doesn't matter; he said when he told me. Because we only need to support two of us now. And that made me punch him hard in the face. I ran out of the house, not as fast as you could run though. And I ran 'til I could barely breathe. It was quiet early in the morning then. That was when I watched my first sun rise and I broke down in the middle of the street. Kneeling on the road, head in my hands crying. It's like everything made me want to cry and scream because you were gone. That lasted a good four weeks. The worst four weeks of my life. I hardly spoke to Darry or anybody and I didn't eat. Just like you did when Johnny left us.

I still remember the night we found you. I remember all to well your face when I leaned in close to figure out who you were. And I still wish I had of listened to Steve and not come over to you. And I still remember my last words to you, 'Do the dishes for me, I'll pay you.' I didn't even say bye or I'll see you later. It was just do the dishes and I was out of there. I don't remember if you said anything to me before I left, but I wish I could remember the last words you spoke. Even if they were 'No way, I'm not doing the dishes!' I would still be glad I remember the last words.

I'm standing here today with my three children. I've told them a little about you and they laugh at the stories I tell them. The stories about you. I used to be able to remember when you were 5 and I was 7, but I can't anymore. I only remember the last few years of our lives together. The kids come with me to visit you. I come every week. Grace, who is 5, is like you, she likes asking questions about you. And every week she brings two new pink roses to sit at the bottom of your head stone. Underneath the words 'Stay Gold'. Darry wanted to write something different, but since we could only afford forty dollars worth of words I convinced him they should be 'Stay Gold'. I remembered those words when you came home and said 'Johnny told me to Stay Gold.'

Alex is eight. He looks like me, and so does James. They don't come to visit you very often. They think they're too cool to be seen with their dad and little sister. But they're here today, already arguing over who gets the front seat on the way back home. I wish they would take the time to read your headstone. I doubt they even know your middle name. I don't talk much when I come see you. So I can't tell them to shut up. Alex hates the cemetery, but only comes so I don't feel bad. James doesn't mind coming but he hates it that I stand here for 15 minutes staring at your grave. And reminding myself of every memory I have of you.

A lot of those memories I still have. I left your things in our bedroom for a year after you died. In the hopes that I'd wake up in the morning with you lying next to me. When Darry said we had to clean up the bedroom I kept all that I could. I have the desk that we had. It's in the lounge room. Your name still scratched into it. And some of your essay about Johnny carved into it, from when you didn't lean your paper on something else. I wanted to keep the clothes you died in but we buried you in them. Lucky you. I have some of your school work. The essay you wrote about Johnny and Dally and the first picture you drew in first grade. The one that had been hanging on the fridge since the day you brought it home. Darry didn't want to keep anything. At first I yelled at him, saying he really didn't love you. But then I realized he was still hurting and wanted to keep from thinking about you so much. I apologized to him, but he was already crying over you.

We talk about you a lot. Actually I talk about you a lot. Everything someone says I relate to you. I can think about you and not feel sad anymore. I know you watch me, hopefully not all the time. I'll see you sooner or later. Sorry, but I'd rather see you later. I hope you've met mom and dad by now. If you have then I'll admit, I am jealous. I miss them like crazy.

"Daddy, can we go?" Grace asked, tugging on my shirt. I looked down at her and nodded, smiling. She grinned back at me and walked up to the headstone on tiptoe. Careful to be quiet and not step on the rectangle that outlines your coffin. She set the rose's down neatly, facing each other. She came back over to me and grabbed my hand. We walked back to the car park and got into the car.

I haven't seen Two-Bit in awhile, but when I do he gets worried about what to say. As if even saying the word 'pony' will set me off and I wont stop crying to save my life. It used to be like that but not anymore. I see Steve every couple of days, I walk by him on the streets or sometimes I see him at work. He never used to talk about you. Or talk about anything to do with you. He told me something about you. A few months after the funeral we were playing poker and Curly came in looking for Two-Bit. We said we hadn't seen him and Curly said he was sorry you left us. I asked Steve why he never said he was sorry you were gone. And under his breath he muttered 'Didn't like him much anyways'. You bet we got into a massive fight over that. I didn't talk to him for weeks after that. No matter what he said to me. He even told me he was sorry. And I wondered why he never told me that before?

As I drove home I wished and wished that you'd be there when I got there. You'd be waiting for us to come in because you hadn't been around much. You'd stay for dinner and it would be like it used to be. Then Darry would drop by and he'd join us too. After dinner Two-Bit and Steve would come by, by coincidence of course. And we'd have a great time, like we used to. I like to think you're having a great time in heaven and I'll see you there.

**Just something I wrote. Set 15 years after Ponyboy dies.**


End file.
